Things are moving.

Changes are about to happen.

Which way do I go?

... more discipline or something.

- Listening to Miles Davis.




I get dizzy just looking at this...

The thermometer hit 90 degrees this past Tuesday. Phenomenal. Members of Team Tuesday got me out of bed early and we were headed towards Winthrop Beach. Armed with booze, beer and bathing suits our day was looking up.

Beers were popped and the frigid waters of the Northeast Territory were tested. Definitely nothing like a day at the beach, especially during the week when the rest of the population were stuck at work. Gotta love working the nightlife.

After getting bored of watching the two beached whales of human beings that were basking in the sun, I turned to watch this utterly cute little toddler-girl walk from the shoreline, to her pile of beach toys. She had ridiculously long blond hair, for a child of something no more than 3-4 years old. It was not her hair that really caught my attention though, but the level of happiness her smile conveyed as she ambled along the sand, carrying her little beach shovel. I get jealous of kids when I see how happy they are in their ignorance. I sometimes want that back, don't you?

After an hour watching half naked bodies and playing catch (rather awkwardly) and drinking more beers, I smoked my favorite green herb and laid down for a nap.

The sun was burning my eyes through my eyelids as I drifted off. Behind me, sounds of the Beach Lullaby could be faintly heard: the sound of  waves slapping the beach combined with the faraway voices of kids playing in the water. I quickly drifted off into a sandy nap.

******

... the rest of the beach day was rather uneventful. I felt like I unplugged my brain, albeit for a few hours, but it was refreshing. Combined with the frigid temperatures of the water and the delicious beers helped me relax. Something I haven't been able to do for a while now.

On the ride back towards Boston, I recalled a daydream I had on the beach. My mind was still hazy from the sun, smoke and sand but I had a smile on my face as I slowly remembered the face in my day dream:

The face belonged to an old friend who lost his life a long time ago, in doing so my own was spared. I realized I haven't thought about him in a long time.
I was smiling because in my day dream I was reliving a moment a happy moment with my old friend. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time. Whenever I think of him, all the bad memories flood my head and I end up walking around in a haze of depression. However, today was different and the happy recollection I had made me feel really good.

I think I can finally close that particular chapter of my life and completely move on.

The air was warm and languid. I was in the company of good people. The sun was slowly setting and it cast a rather lazy and sleepy shadow over the city. The warmth I felt was not just from the mild sun burn and buzz of the alcohol, but the warm sense of understanding and closure.

RIP old friend. I thank you everyday I wake up, if it was not for you I would not have been able to enjoy this day at the beach.

. allergies are brutal.
. boo the allergies.
. building a fort to block the allergies.
. curry
. curry is freakin' delicious and hot.
. Megan Fox is also delicious and hot.
. Been thinking about unrequited love.
. Starting drinking absinthe again, connection?
. Hooray for the sun again.

. word people, lets do this

screw you joe public, you assaulted my brain.

Not cool dude.

<finger>

Spring is finally here. The sun is back out, refueling us with much needed Vitamin D and other such happy nutrients. As with every season, there is a sense of change and renewal in the air. I feel as though a weird shroud has been lifted off me. I guess this is what coming out of hibernation feels like.

Finally. My allergies are back.
I can go to the beach again.
Girls are starting to wear spring dresses and opened toed shoes.
I can run around the city freely, without freezing my ass off.
I can enjoy taking pictures in the sun.
Sitting on a restaurant patio getting drunk in the sun.
I can wear my linen suits again.
The possibilities are endless...

Just wanted to say: If spring fever were an STD, I definitely want to contract it and pass it around!

Do I go out or do I stay in?

I find myself asking that question over and over.

Is there something that I'm avoiding?

2:21am - 4/8

I bought a few books, which I thought would help me write or at least guide me to a better way of writing. One of the exercises proposed was that I take notes down of quotes that 'inspire' me. Needless to say, I have written down quotes from movies, from news telecasters, from people I eavesdrop on and whatever combination of words that I come across. Shit, I even wrote down quotes from a video game narrator.

Tonight, I opened up some of these notebooks and in an attempt to cross this threshold of "writer's block" or whatever appropriate title is applicable here. Its a fun little exercise, but I'm slowly realizing that I have far too many random ideas flying around in my head. I actually got lost in my head for a few hours and had to go to bed after giving myself a headache.

So, in following the advice of the various books, I came up with an exercise for myself: pick a quote out of my notebook and go with it.

"...Living between performance and reality..." - not sure where I got this particular nugget of words from, but I like its simplicity.

"Living between performance and reality" -- words that perfectly sum up my current state. In fact, it sums up how I have felt for a long while now. Not just because of where I work, but also everything else in between. I said these words out loud, "I am living between performance and reality", and it hits home.

Even though where I work is an environment based on fantasy and we put on a performance every night we are immersed in it, it is easy to accept that that particular place is not real. What gets me is in my private life, where I have slowly realized over the years, that I put on a certain performance during the times that I have to 'get' emotional or 'use' my emotions.

You see, I was raised to not be a very emotional person. Not to say that my household, when I was growing up, wasn't a very emotional and crazy environment. It was the opposite, my parents had their fights and other various emotional outbursts. I took part in some of it, but as I grew older something happened, not quite sure what, but it left me emotionally distant. My dad enrolled me in various private schools, I traveled around, I learned to rely on myself of for a lot of things especially during those years I barely saw my parents. I do know how to love, I do know how to hate. It is the emotions in between the love/hate spectrum that I have a hard time dealing with. My sense of panic, my sense of distrust, my sense of lust and anger are all mixed up. When the time arises for one to indulge in such emotions, I find that I act out the emotion for that particular moment and then turn around and continue with what I was doing previously.

Prime example: recently, my mother got diagnosed with early breast cancer. I was truly scared for her and scared for my sister and concerned for the family as a whole. But, in looking back... I felt that I was putting on a show for them. That it was an act. Not to say that I was truly concerned for my family, but for some reason, my reaction did not mirror the ones everyone else was going through. Weird. Yet, I'll still get fully involved with various stressful situations with work and in my private life. I'll get all annoyed and stressed out for a few days. But yet, when it comes to dealing with family and such, I have a harder time applying emotions. This saddens me a little, but then again, it does not. Emotions are a weird thing. Sometimes I feel cold and distant, but then I'll wake up with tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason. There is definitely something going on inside my head, I'm just not sure what.

I guess all I can do for the time being is stick with what I know. Maybe something will come up down the road, that will help explain the mess that my brain is in. For now:

"Living between performance and reality" -- simple words with a harsh truth, I'm going to live by this.

"Wh-wh-where am I? Is-is-is anyone out there?! H-h-h-h-hello?"

Seems to be the phrase that I have been uttering, every waking moment, for the past few months. The advent of spring, thank god, has finally ripped off the shroud of depression and self loathing that has been blinding me.

Seasonal Affected Disorder, coupled with personal drama with the added bonus of not seeing sunlight for a few months. These caused me to fall off my usual course and hide under my blanket of self doubt. Seriously, I hate myself for this. It shouldn't happen... not to people like me or you. But, it did happen. Every time I looked into my monitor screen, trying to put words together, I end up slamming the laptop shut as I the evil face of self doubt and self loathing reared its ugly head. No matter how hard I tried to express myself. It was not good enough. Everything I have been doing, everything I did, was not good enough. Call it writers block, life, reality or whatever. Whatever it may be it was enough to make me fall into a weird depression.

I could go on and write a compelling list as to why I was feeling the way I was, but I really don't think anything constructive would come out of it.
Looking back over the past few months and trying to rationalize as to why I have not written anything: I could not tell you. I guess, I wanted this to be a cathartic end to my 'seasonal depression' and whatever cool sounding excuse I could come up with, but I just realized that I would have been adding to the list of excuses I have been giving myself. I think in order to move ahead, I have to accept that sometimes we all fall in a rut and we have to figure our way out of it. Not to say that I'm completely out of this rut, but I am waking up earlier and carrying a smile again. I have been taking down notes when I day dream and there are a few story ideas that are slowly coalescing.

So, to my myself and to those with enough patience to read through this, I apologize for my hiatus. Sorry for being lazy and feel bad about myself. Its almost over. Spring is back and with it, a new start... a BIG new start is what I need.

My notes are growing... my brain is coming out of hibernation...
a few more days...

gimme a few more days,...

sorry for the lack of posts... I can give you all a buncha reasons, but it wouldn't matter would it?

I hate this time of year.

... be that as it may, things are looking up.

Also...

Well...

Also, umm... see, this is why I haven't written. I can't formulate words. I can't seem to do a whole lot of things lately...

But things ARE looking up.

I woke up in a positive mood today and it's carrying on.

One can only hope..

I've been dreaming about being Thomas Crowne, in the Thomas Crown affair (Pierce Brosnan).

Then I wake up.

Thank god for my delicious blankets.

Makes waking up a little nicer.

Fuck you absinthe.

My heart is heavy with sadness.

Recently, my mother got diagnosed with non-life threatening breast cancer. She still has to go through surgery to remove the lump and minimal chemotherapy. As positive as the doctor sounded, it is still a daunting experience that I'm truly sad that my mother has to go through.

My mother: a 4'10" little filipino lady, who can still make me cower when she yells out my full name. The little lady who can still grab me by the ear and drag me out of a room. The little lady who can still make me feel like a 6 year old in trouble, whenever she yells at me.

Seeing her get old right in front of my eyes is a sad realization. My siblings, who are much closer to my parents than I am, are much more affected by the current family situation than I am. Not to say that I have no feelings, I just don't know how to handle these said feelings.

******

I got off the phone with my mother today and I could hear the fear and sadness in her voice. She was doing her usual mom-magic, trying to sound like nothing was wrong, but I knew better. My father too, whom I always looked at as a stoic person. The man who taught me, as a kid, that no matter what being a man meant showing restraint and little emotion. Emotions was a luxury and lack of self control was lack of self discipline. Now, I hear the sadness and fear in his voice. He regurgitated what the doctor said, about this being a walk in the park and that after a few weeks, everything was going to be back to normal. He choked up a couple of times over the phone, when I asked him how he was handling all this and if he wanted me over for moral support. He said that mom didn't want us kids home right now, she didn't want to be seen like this. I thought I heard him choke back some tears.

Sadness. Sad face of reality: hearing the former stoic voice of your father faltering, because the woman he's been with for 32 years is showing signs of her mortality. Reality slapping me in the face with the cold hard fact that getting old means getting sick which leads to the fear of death.

I just wish that I'm not as emotionally restrained as I am, since I'm now laden with just a mix of emotions. Emotions that I'm having a hard time sorting out and dealing with. The other night, I tormented myself with the hypothetical game of 'what if'. A fruitless game, which I try to avoid falling into. Mortality, one's own and of the closest to you, is a scary beast. In its wake, fear and confusion.

In fact, I'm more saddened at how this is affected my little sister. Her and mom have always been really close. Lil sis admitted that she didn't like seeing mom in such a weakened and sad state. She didn't want to see mom get old like this. I agree... it is sad. Seeing a figure of such strength, look all weakened and frail, is such a daunting experience. My sister was also tormenting herself with the hypothetical 'what if' game, of which I've been trying to tell her to stop doing. She couldn't hear me over the sadness of her heart, it was unbearable to watch.

She asked, "Is this what I have to deal with as I get older? This constant fear? Having to realize that those closest to you won't always be there? That no matter what, people you love may have to suffer no matter what you do to make things better?"
She's only 19... I wish I could have shielded her from this harsh reality.

******

The arrogance of youth: easily dismantled by having your loved ones' mortality tested right before your eyes.

The harshness of reality: at some point, your number will be called next, while you're waiting in line. There is no way to ever be ready...

I have felt all sorts of emotions. I have gone through things that I wish no one else will ever have to and I've walked away alive and whole (for the most part). Yet, this moment that I'm living now has a stranglehold on my ability to deal with intense emotions.

But yet, as always, I have rationalized that I have to be strong for everyone else. I don't have time right now to let my guard down. Seeing my little sister cry and huddle in fear showed me that I can't afford to lose it, especially in front of her.

Doom doom doom doom doom...

Doom doom doomy doom...

I have had a weird sense of impending doom lately. I ended 2008 on such a negative mindset that I have been finding it difficult to jump start the new year with a happy face.

Being such an empathic creature, I find myself burdened with the world's current sense of uneasiness. Which, in turn, makes me uneasy about my current standing in this journey. My heart is heavy with sadness and mistrust, that I've been having a hard time stepping out and facing the world on a daily basis. Maybe it's the seasonal depression, which I've been noticing has been more apparent with each passing winter. Maybe it's the slow realization that I am not as happy as I would like to be. Maybe it's because the voices in my head have been screaming at such a higher volume that it's making me go crazy. Who knows?

Sometimes, it seems that the world reminds me of it's bleakness and unforgiving nature by slapping me in the brain with an open hand slap.

I know, I sound like a melodramatic cynic and I do apologize for it. I just can't help but feel this way lately.

From a close friend who tested my trust in him, again.
From colleagues whom I feel I have to constantly coddle, yet they're full grown adults and it bothers me that they all act like spoiled little children.
From the news I read everyday which just makes me sad for the world and humanity.
From the creeping light of reality which makes me feel older everyday.
From ... a whole bunch of other confusing life moments that just make it harder to smile everyday.

All these, plus a heavy dose of feeling lost, has made everything just that much harder to do. Even writing all these words out is torture right now. Maybe it's because I hate having to face the current harsh reality that's in front of my face.

Maybe I'm just looking for any excuse for my lack of presence on this blog...

crap.

sorry again for this downer.

Inspiration is fueled by motivation and creativity, both of which are just out of my reach lately...

I also haven't been drinking as much, maybe I need to bask in that hazy cloud again. Maybe I don't.

Growing up and being responsible is a bitch...

Need... more... sunlight...

Need... less... hibernation...

Where... is... my...

First: Merry Christmas and such to all of you and your clans.

Secondly: I wanted to reflect over the past few days I spent with my family... but I'm not programmed for such Hallmark-like events.

I actually had a great time with the family this year. My siblings were old enough to drink with me and my parents were comfortable enough to get drunk with us. The liquor just makes for a smoother ride during these times. From the over indulgence with a lot of Filipino home cooking to the education of whiskey I gave to my dad and brother, liquid Christmas spirit was flowing.

Being the good son, I agreed to go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. But being who I am, after drinking half a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, I ended up having a exorcist moment when I arrived at the church. Needless to say, I puked (several times) on the church lawn. The first puke incident happened right after I dipped my fingers in the holy water and made the sign of the cross. My stomach retched and I broke out in a cold sweat. Puke built up in my mouth and I pushed some old lady out of the way as I ran out to the lawn.

Awkwardness ensued...

Beatings by my mom, with her purse and then karaoke afterward.

Christmas was fun this year...

I've been looking for something lately.

Something to help me express whatever it is that's been eating me up inside.

The shock of reality, compounded with a feeling of being lost. These were some of the restraints I've been struggling with in the recent past.

What ever dark shadow that had my soul in its hands, seems to be loosening its grip.

I felt myself smile on the inside...

I'm not going to lie. After my recent semi-sobriety, I was reconnected with my friend Jack again tonight.

Jack helped me loosen the restrained feeling that I've been fighting against.

What does that really say about me?

....

I think it means: I like Jack.

Still trudging along on my mental walk.

I'm seeing a lot of signs telling me this and that.

I made it to a rest stop, covered in a blue haze.

Walking in, I saw friendly faces. Faces that I've always known.

It was nice to see people smiling.

I stopped there for a minute.

The music kicked in and I started to feel myself smile again.

...

I did some mental searching...

trying to figure out why I'm scared to put words down...

I came up to a wall with a big sign that read: 

"Your face is ugly."

No idea what it meant. I felt that , for a sign, it was pretty mean.

I'm still on my mental searching trip.

I will post soon, promise.